So you want to be a schmuck at an indoor play place? Who wouldn’t! Just follow these simple guide and no one will doubt that you are a schmuck.
- Play with your phone A LOT: Endlessly stare and tap at your phone like you are in the middle of using it to end world hunger. Of course you are probably just “liking” newly discovered memes on Facebook but that is obviously more important than watching your kid play and keeping them (or everything in their path) safe. This will clearly mark you as a schmuck.
- Let your school aged kid play tag: You’ve never considered that this would be unsafe with infants crawling on the floor and toddlers toddling about? Congratulations on your amazing lack of consideration. Act surprised after your precious little 11-year-old runs over my kid and you can safely be called a schmuck. Bonus points if you have a cup of coffee in your hand and look like you could care less.
- Leave your kid unattended: Dropping a 5-year-old off at the play place while you shop in Forever 21 is clearly a fantastic idea and leaves no doubts about your status as a schmuck. Your 11-year-old is very well equipped to properly supervise your little hellion and will happily sit and watch them for an hour while you try on everything in the store and gossip with your friend the clerk. Of course if letting your children supervise themselves doesn’t work there are plenty of involved parents here to deal with your obnoxious stampeding children. Passing off your responsibilities on strangers firmly places you in the schmuck column.
- Bring your sick kid: Your kid woke up, threw up, sneezed, and coughed all at the same time? Bring them to the play place and show off your epic schmuckness! You are doing everyone child here a favor by teaching them about sharing. Germs are great to share so you should definitely bring your little petri dish to a place where they can smear their bodily fluids onto as many communal surfaces as possible. More schmuck points are yours if you look worse off than your kid and want to talk to other parents.
- Hover over your kid: Why let your kid play and explore when you can follow them around doing everything for them? That’s right helicopter parent, we all welcome you to this play place. There’s another kid in your child’s way? Move them! Your kid is starting to climb something? Pick them up and do it for them! There’s a minor dispute over who’s next down the slide? Insist it’s your kid and push them through! All of these things will teach them excellent social and problem solving skills while developing their ability to be independent. They will also make you very popular with the rest of us and make it clear that you are a schmuck.